


Satan Hates Pepperoni

by thepatchmatrix



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Hawkeye Luck, Hydra (Marvel), Non-binary character, Pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5496884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepatchmatrix/pseuds/thepatchmatrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Hawkeyes get bad intel, Hydra gets a nasty surprise, and Lucky gets a lot of pizza.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Satan Hates Pepperoni

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this put after seeing [this](http://animatedtext.tumblr.com/post/135611728992) on tumblr. Please enjoy!

Clint Barton stared in terrified awe at the being sitting in his kitchen. Over a dozen empty pizza boxes were strewn about the apartment. Lucky had his head buried in an open box, his tail wagging frantically as he devoured most of a pepperoni pizza. Kate lay half-asleep on the couch, the paper plate with a half-eaten slice of anchovy, pineapple, and red onion pizza was slowly sliding from her lap to the floor.

“Your partner’s on to something!” Said the head honcho of hell as xe consumed the last slice of xyrs thirteenth pizza, “Who knew pickles and grapes made such a great combination!”

As Satan pulled a fourteenth box towards xemself, the pizza inside topped with _peas_ of all things, Clint felt a headache growing. How was this, his life?

~*~

When Clint had received the mission packet, his first mistake was thinking, _“This’ll be easy!”_ Deciding to take Kate with him on what was supposed to be a simple recon mission was his second mistake. A great archer and Avenger in her own right, Kate was overqualified for such a mission. Thus, she was itching for some action less than an hour into their mission. So, when the supposed AIM outpost turned out to be a full blown Hydra base, she was all for going in to investigate.

“No, we should report back Katie-Kate. Something is seriously wrong.”

Kate gave Clint a flat look as she checked the strap to her quiver, “SHIELD never gets intel _this_ messed up,” She gestured to the base behind her, “So, we should go check it out. We’ll get more info for our reports if nothing else. Come on!”

With that, Kate took off down the hill. Clint heaved a put upon sigh and followed after his protégé.

~*~

Like most Hydra bases, infiltrating it was a joke. The security was lax, the agents half asleep in the noon day sun. Clint moved carefully through the unnecessarily large air vents and slid out onto the catwalk above a large staging room. Kate dropped down beside him, her landing making barely a sound.

“What. The. Hell.”

A huge, chalk circle covered the floor of the staging area. It was filled with writings and symbols from an assortment of languages and religions. A pentagram was drawn in the center of the circle. Along the edge, nine men stood in hooded capes, candles clutched in their hands as they chanted in a weird variation of Latin.

The men’s chanting suddenly grew louder and one man began to walk towards the center. Just as he reached the edge of the pentagram, three things happened just in time to screw up _everything._

First, Clint turned to Kate and asked incredulously, “Who are they trying to summon, Satan?”

Second, the chanting below stopped, just in time for the word “Satan” to ring out over the room.

Finally, the man at the edge of the pentagram gasped loudly and scrambled back as black smoke began billowing out of the center of the circle.

The temperature in the room dropped as a voice called out from the smoke, “Who dares summon ME!”

Standing in the center of the smoke was a slumped, humanoid form. Everyone stared, frozen, as the figure slowly stood to its full height. As the smoke finally cleared, its bright red skin and ice blue hair became easily visible, the stark contrast highlighting the small red horns sticking out of its hair. Its eyes flashed and an angry snarl crossed its face.

“I said, WHO DARES SUMMON _ME!_ ” The figure’s voice multiplied as it exploded across the staging area. Clint and Kate ducked as the room quaked. The Hydra agents began to scramble away from the circle. The doors of the room swung shut, locking the agents inside. The figure grabbed the cape of the hooded man that had approached the center of the circle during the ritual.

“Was it YOU?”

The hooded man quaked, barely mumbling an answer under his breath. Frustrated, the figure shook the man, trying to get a louder answer out of him, but his fear and the clamor of the terrified Hydra agents continued to drown out the reply.

“QUIET!” The room fell silent, “Now, answer me.”

The shaking hooded agent frantically shook his head, “No! No! We were trying to summon Ullerscarn, not your dark majesty. We don’t know how you were summoned, your grace.”

The figure quirked an eyebrow, staring at the man for a moment before dropping him, “Ullerscarn? Where’d you get that name from, a comic book?” It shook its head before continuing, “So none of you summoned me? How curious since this is clearly YOUR SUMMONING CIRCLE!”

With a quick snap, a shockwave rippled out, sending all of the agents flying into the walls of the staging area with deadly force. Clint wrapped his right arm around Kate and the other around the catwalk’s support just before the shockwave hit them. The force was so strong, Clint was sure his arm was going to be ripped completely off.

When the wave finally ended, Clint and Kate hit the walkway’s grating with a loud thump. Rolling away from Kate, Clint cradled his limp left arm. It had been dislocated. His forearm was a mass of tender, red skin. Clint was sure it would turn into one large bruise by the next day.

As Clint was nursing his injury, Kate looked back at the floor of the staging area and gasped. It was pure carnage. The hydra agents were slumped against bloody walls. Even from the height of the catwalk, Kate knew none of them had survived. The figure was still standing in the center of the circle. It turned to and fro, gazing at the dead agents then looking back to its still closed hand. A look of confusion crossed its face. The figure slumped slightly, its shoulders hunching as it lowered its hand.

“I…I didn’t mean to kill them…,” The multiplicity of its voice disappeared.

Kate, not looking, reached towards Clint, intending to tap his shoulder. True to Hawkeye form, her aim was perfect. Unfortunately, she hit his left shoulder.

“Kate! What the futz!” Clint cried out. Then, his eyes widened and he turned frantically to look at the figure in the staging area. It was looking straight at them,” Aw, demon, no.”

Kate glared at Clint, “You—You—DUMMY!” she smacked him on the head then reached toward her quiver. She was up and nocking an explosive arrow in an instant. The figure waved frantically as she aimed for it.

“No, wait! I—I don’t want to hurt you!”

Her muscles froze. Clint was still lying on the grating, his breathing becoming labored as the pain in his arm skyrocketed.

“Oh! I’m sorry! I—Just—It’s—I’m new at this!” The figure tensed then leapt to the catwalk, landing hard and shaking the entire walkway, “I’m gonna release you now. Please don’t shoot me.”

The moment she could move, she swung around pointing her arrow at the figure’s forehead, “What the hell are you?”

The figure perked up a bit, a small smile coming to its lips, “I’m Satan!”

~*~

“Satan? Agent Barton, if you’re having me on…” Director Fury trailed off with a threatening glare.

“Yeah, seems I said ‘Satan’ at the exact wrong moment and summoned the newly crowned monarch of hell,” Clint tilted his head to look at the director from where his forehead was propped against his right hand.

“Newly crowned?”

“Relatively new, seems like xe finally gained a physical body around the First Great Awakening. I guess the whole spider over the fire thing really sparked the whole ‘Devil’ thing. And don’t worry, xe said the whole becoming the Beast and declaring xemself God is the work of a great marketing team.”

Fury continued to glare at the archer, “You’re in charge of xem until we figure out how to send xem back.”

Clint moved his head to the table and closed his eyes. There was no point in arguing anyway.

“Now, you want to explain why you took an unauthorized agent with you Agent Barton?”

Clint groaned.

~*~

Ricki’s Pizza, while more than a little confused, was happy to make any sort of pizza for Clint’s ragtag group when they realized just how much money they’d be making from the large order. Kate took over the order, making sure to get at least one of every type of pizza after finding out her new best friend had never had a slice. Clint just sighed and pulled out his SHIELD card. At least he could justify the expense by claiming he was still, technically, on a mission.

When the boxes began to pile up, Clint began to feel a little worried. There was no way he’d be able to carry more than a couple boxes with his left arm out of commission. And he’d probably be knocked on his ass by Lucky the moment he was through the door. Then, just as the last box was added to the pile, the pizzas disappeared.

“Aw, pizza…”

“I sent them to your apartment. Kate showed me pictures so I’d know where to send them,” Satan looked both smug and abashed at the same time. Kate just looked smug.

Clint sighed and leveraged himself out of the seat he’d been waiting in, “Then we better hurry or Pizza Dog’ll eat ‘em all.”

Kate’s face immediately changed to a worried look and she took off at a run toward the apartment, Satan’s wrist clutched firmly in her hand.

~*~

The pizzas where in perfect condition when they reached the apartment. Luckily, the resident golden retriever had been visiting Little Simone One and Two when the food had popped into the apartment. The moment Clint opened the apartment door, Lucky had appeared on the landing, the enticing scent of his favorite food pulling the dog away from his biggest fans.

Kate began opening boxes at random and piling slices onto a plate for Satan, “Here! Start with these and we’ll see what you like!”

Clint grabbed the first of the two pepperoni pizzas and sat himself on a stool at the island. The first slice was sacrificed to the benevolent dog god that ruled the building. Once Lucky was occupied, Clint took a huge bite out of his own slice. He moaned.

_Piiizzaaa…_

Clint tuned out the excited conversation happening between his protégé and newly acquired demon monarch. Kate would tell him if anything important came up in the conversation.

A red-skinned hand snuck into Clint’s pizza box as he finished his third slice. Clint turned to look at the demon. Xe grinned widely and took a large bite out of xyrs pilfered slice. It took a moment for the taste to register before xe was spitting the pizza out into the sink.

“Yuck! Ew ew ew!” Xyrs hands flapped uselessly as xe continued to spit, “What was that?!”

Kate rushed to get xem a glass of water as Clint blinked slowly. Satan hates pepperoni?

_But pepperoni pizza is the god of all pizza-hood._

Lucky nudged Clint’s leg, expression concerned, “Don’t worry Pizza Dog, we know pepperoni’s the best type of pizza,” Clint gave him a light pat on the head and fed him another slice.

After Satan had rinsed out xyrs mouth and tried a few more pizzas, making sure to avoid anything with pepperoni at all costs, xe sat xemself next to Clint and began working through the rest of the boxes at an astonishingly quick rate. Clint found himself watching in morbid curiosity as every pizza within reach, accepting any with pepperoni, disappeared as if swallowed by the abyss. When xe finally finished, Clint shook himself and let out a yawn. He was too tired to figure anything out.

_Oh futz, it’s nearly three in the morning._

“I’m heading to bed. Kate knows where the extra mattress is; just ask her to set it up for you when you get tired. See you both tomorrow. Or today. Whatever.”

Leaving the two downstairs, Clint collapsed straight onto his bed and was out within moments. He’d deal with this crazy demon business later. It wasn’t like he’d summoned Lucifer or anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Over the course of writing this I did a little research on pizza around the world. Ends up peas are actually a popular topping in Brazil and pickle, grape and gorgonzola is an actual pizza. The anchovies, pineapple and red onion are all Kate though. :)
> 
> Also, Ullerscarn is a reference to Hellblazer. I couldn't stop myself :P  
> \----  
> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://thepatchmatrix.tumblr.com/)


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